Divorce: Some Sound Advice

Keep Positive

If you are someone that is facing a divorce, you may be feeling very depressed or emotionally in distress.  These feelings are very normal.  You cannot predict what is going to happen when you get married.  Some marriages work and others do not.  It is important to understand that this is not the end of the world and things like this happen all the time.

You are not a bad person because you are getting a divorce.  If you and your spouse cannot longer get along, there is no reason to live together in a situation that makes you unhappy.  You need to worry about your future and the well being of yourself and your children if any.  Sometimes a divorce can be avoided with the right consoling and other times, there is just no hope.

You have to keep positive when you are going through a divorce.  You cannot let yourself be taken down by what is happening around you.  If you are being accused of untruthful accusations, you have to keep strong so that you can defend your name and your reputation. 

Do not give up.  You have to be able to fight for what you think is right until the end.  If you are determined to get something that is rightfully yours, you need to stand up for it.  Getting what you want in a divorce is not always possible, but you do have to keep up a good fight for it.  You have to make sure that you are doing this so that you can keep up your positive attitude about what it going on. 

Keep yourself surrounded by others that are positive as well. Keeping your friends and family around you is important. You need to keep having fun and laughing when you can.  This will keep you in a positive atmosphere and keep you ready for what is ahead. 

Once the divorce is over and done with no matter what the outcome, you have to be ready to go on with your life.  You need to be ready to get on with your future and to make your dreams come true.  Your life is not over even if you think that it is.  There are always second chances and you deserve to have one.  Your time will come for love again and if it does not, you will know that you are better off without the other spouse.  You can make it on your own and have a good life.  

Your Children 

Divorce is a very hard time for everyone to deal with. It can be very hard on a person emotionally and physically as well.  This is especially true for children.  They have to have the proper help during this difficult time.  They need to know and understand that it is not their fault and that both parents still love them very much.

Parents are going to have to work hard at putting aside their anger and hard feelings toward each other.  They have to sit down and make an arrangement that will be suitable to them and to the children.  This is going too much easier and less painful than having to go into court and have them decide this for you.

You have to be able to pull together with your spouse and help the children.  This is the only way to help them through this hard time.  If one parent decides to go against their commitment to help their child the responsible way, you should still keep your values as a parent and help them the best that you can.

You should not keep the divorce a secret from the children.  You need to tell them when you make your decision and what is going to happen.  Try to give them at least a little bit of notice before the parent moves out so that the child can have the time to deal with it and ask questions.  Reassure the child that both parents are still going to be there for them and that nothing has changed in that sense. 

Do not put blame on anyone when you are talking to your children.  Do not put down the other parent in any way.  It is important that the children know that they still have two dependable and trustworthy parents to take care of them.  Let them know that it was a mutual decision and that you both did your best to avoid this ending. 

Make your child aware that they are not going to be able to get the both of you back together.  Tell them that there is nothing that they can do to make the situation go away. Also make it clear to them where they are going to live and that they can see the other parent any time they want to.  You can tell them that there may be some changes in that later on, but it is not going to affect their relationship.  Give them the opportunity to ask you any questions that they may have for you both. 

Giving the child the right information and not too much information is important.  You do not want them to feel anxious or worry about anything that is not their concern.  They have to feel comfortable with the news that you told them and give them some time to adjust to the idea. 

Protect Yourself

If you think that you will be ending your marriage in the near future and you are uncertain what the future will hold for you, you may want to start taking the right precautions now.  You have to make sure that you are protecting your financial security for later. 

Reduce unnecessary expenses as soon as you can.  Meet with your spouse and agree to cancel utilities and other bills.  You will probably need to have money later on and this is a way to save money.  Sell off your personal property that you do not need or want anymore.   You can do this now to avoid losing it later on.

Cancel all of your jointly owned credit cards.  You both should agree to cancel the cards and get separate ones.  You need to cancel the cards because the spouse can charge up all kinds of different charge on the cards and you will get stuck paying them back.  Canceling the cards now can save you money that you will need to have later on.

You may want to separate the jointly owned bank accounts.  If you have bank accounts together, you may want to divide the money first.  If not, your spouse may decide to go and take care of the money on their own and leave you with nothing.  If you have outstanding bills for the home, explain this to the spouse so that the arrangements can be made to pay for them.  If you do open up a different bank account, do it at another bank.  Do not stay with the same company. 

Stop contributing to combined accounts like 401K and pension plans.  Telling your place of employment usually does this.  Make the necessary arrangements so that your money is not being added to this account.  You have to do this until you find out what will happen to those accounts and who will benefit from them. 

Keep your job or try and find one.  You have to make sure that you are protecting yourself and able to raise your family. If you are not getting any income from your spouse, you will have to do something to support your monthly needs.  You may want to ask your ’soon to be ex’ if they can help you financially until the divorce proceedings are over.  This is only recommended if you are ending the divorce in a good way.  If you are fighting over everything and not getting along, you need to contact your attorney and have them ask for you. 

Dating after Divorce: Move On!

Everyone has been hurt so badly that they swear off from dating forever. However, it just doesn’t happen. Many women claim that they don’t want another relation after the divorce because it will effect the children. It’s okay to move on. In fact, many people expect their ex’s to move on and have sex, as well as, meaningful relationships.

The only thing that you need to be worried about when it comes to sexually relationships and divorce is that you should never get back with your ex. If this is a person who would hurt you so much and leave you, why would you ever go back just so they can get some. It’s not helping you with the divorce and it’s not helping the kids, if there are any. When you hook back up with an ex, it confuses people. Women think that they want to get back, and some times the sex is just sex. It doesn’t mean anything. If you start seeing your ex again, you will find that the children will be just as confused. They may have false hope of you two getting back together. This can be devastating to the children.

Next, when considering having sex again after a divorce you have to ask yourself why you want to. Do you just feel lonely, is it a hormone thing, or do you really care about them. If it is more than just loneliness or hormone and you truly care then you will be more inclined to talk about the sex before taking the leap. You want to make sure that this is not something that will cause you immediate hurt. Love has risks, but you want to make sure that you don’t turn your back and find out that everything was a lie. You don’t want to be taken advantage of. You need to make sure that you are not in the relationship to hide who you really are or to keep a safe distance from love. You do not want to be with someone who you don’t care about so you know that your heart doesn’t get broken.

Another thing to keep in mind is that every man is different. You should not think about how they will hurt you because that’s what the others did. If you make your present interest suffer because of what happened in past relationships you are condemning the relationship. It’s okay to trust again and to love again. There are risks, but that’s the thing about love. It’s worth the risks.

If you plan on engaging in sexual intercourse with another after a divorce, make sure that it is something that you want. Make sure that you can live with the decision and that you are responsible. Today, you need to take the proper precautions, not only with your feelings, but with your health. You need to make sure that you use protection from STD’S and pregnancy.

When you move onto another relationship, erase the slate. Don’t bring up your past a lot. Don’t compare your actions with them to how you were with others. If things are right they will work out. Don’t look at your life as a system. Love is one of the most mysterious feelings. It’s hard to describe it, and it’s hard to tell why things happen. You never know when you are going to fall in love and fall out of love. If you take things slow and let things take their own course, you will find that love will find you. You will be very happy.

Don’t let your divorce hold you back from having a good relationship.

Life After Divorce - Coping as a Single Parent

When the ink has dried on your divorce papers, and the dust finally starts to settle, you will find yourself facing an entirely new set of problems. Now you are alone with your responsibilities. The scheduling of your life is different, and probably more difficult.

If your husband is limited to brief visitation rights, then the day-to-day responsibility for your kids is now completely yours. Even if your spouse has your children part of the time, you will discover that you are more limited. If your ex did anything at all around the house you will now have to do it yourself. If he did any of the family bookkeeping, or helped the kids with schoolwork, or took them here or there, that service is no longer available.You have a household. Once there were two people who could take on the duty of running it. Now there’s one.

You will probably begin to see this happening from the start. During your divorce these things present themselves. But in some ways they aren’t as obvious then. This is partly due to the incredible turmoil you are already facing. There may also be other factors disguising the truth. Your friends and family knew what you were going through while the battle was still raging. Often some of them stepped up to bat, and helped in so many ways. Your best friend drove your boy to sports practice through an entire season, and maybe your sister took your daughter to shop for clothes. But that was when your days were endless cycles of lawyers, court dates, and searching for records. Now life is supposed to be normal.

The only problem with that is the workload: it seems to be permanently bigger.

In most cases the ex-spouse should be of help, but there are almost always problems and disagreements. Most likely these will last as long as your children are still underage and a shared responsibility. How much support and help your ex is giving you with the kids is usually a measure of your sanity. I’ve had my own problems with this, as does nearly every parent who keeps custody most of the time. My ex-husband’s mandated times with the kids only cover a couple of weekends and some weekday evenings each month. Often the evenings simply don’t happen.

Many divorced parents face the same dilemma: doubled responsibility not only for kids, but for shopping, cleaning, paying the bills, taking care of the pets, doing the laundry, and the list goes on and on!

Being a single parent is no easy task. For each of us the new responsibilities take different forms. When they are still together most parents gradually take on some aspects of the good cop/bad cop relationship with their kids. Sometimes dad is the one who is judge and jury, while mom seems willing to listen. Or those roles might be reversed. Maybe your ex-spouse was the disciplinarian; while you were the sympathetic one they could always come to. Whatever role you played before, now you must be both. If your boy gets in a fight, or your daughter mistreats a schoolmate, you have to dole out the punishment. Yet, if there were extenuating circumstances, you also have to understand. How can a person do both? It seems almost impossible.

This is aggravated even more by the divorce. A split inevitably sets up a competitive situation. In a conflict people always look for allies, and in a divorce both parents want the kids to be on their respective sides. This doesn’t end with the decree.
If dad was once the disciplinarian, but now only sees the kids for a few days a month, he’s likely to be much less help when they do something wrong. He’ll want his house to be the place where they have fun. At the same time, mom is going to get tired of always being the one to give punishments. She doesn’t want her children to hate her. This often turns into a competition for affection that can only hurt the children.

What every parent in a divorce must learn is that their children still have the same needs they had before the divorce. That means they need the adults in their lives to take on adult responsibilities. For instance, if you are about to leave your children off at your spouse’s, don’t work extra hard to leave the best impression. There’s no need to make your last stop one at a fast food joint where you fill them full of sugar and empty calories. Instead, just make them understand that you love them, and are concerned with their well being in every way. Ease them into the transition by assuring them of their place in your life, while helping them see that they still have that place in your spouse’s life as well.

If your spouse doesn’t cooperate, try to resolve it when the kids aren’t there. Do all you can to make sure that the facts of custody are not rules of engagement, but rather are simply a structure for your children’s benefit. If you and your spouse still have lingering differences in this area, the best way to help your cause is to simply be the best parent you can be.

But whatever your arrangement is with your ex-spouse, life can’t help but be more difficult alone. So what do you do in the face of overwhelming odds, and the seemingly inevitable nervous breakdown?

First, remember you are not alone. There are millions of single parents out there facing the same thing you are. You probably know other mothers (and/or fathers) who are, or have been, in the same situation. Don’t be afraid about turning to them now. They may know things you don’t, and if not, they can always lend a hand, or at least some sympathy.

Others who have gone through the same thing will realize what pressure you are under. This isn’t simply a matter of finances (though that issue usually has a lot to do with it). You are now the one that your children come to every day of the week. They need you desperately for their own sense of security, especially after their world has been turned upside down from divorce. You are the one who picks up after them, feeds them, and gives them allowances. You are the one who talks to their friends’ mothers and fathers. You get the call from school. You talk to their teachers. You are the first one to hear about bills for education and health. If your children are about to go to college, you are the one they talk to about those possibilities.
If you are the parent they stay with most nights, and you are the parent they see in the morning before they go to school, then you are simply the one.

Because it used to be different, because there used to be two of you, and because there used to be two parental roles being played in this house, you now have to learn something new. Now you must develop some skills you never needed before. If you can do what is necessary you’ll find that this new order isn’t that scary. If you can adapt, you will not only survive, but thrive. A new exciting life is just around the corner. Your job is to figure out how to keep from getting so exhausted that “just around the corner” turns out to be an impossible distance to cover.

Your job as a newly single parent may not be easy, but it in time you will adjust, fall into a routine and discover a new found strength you never thought you had.

About the Author: Christina Rowe is the best selling author of “Seven Secrets To A Successful Divorce-What Every Woman Needs To Know”. Find out the survival skills that will save you time, money and heartache during your divorce. For your free chapter of the book go to: http://www.secretsofdivorce.com Read more articles by: Christina Rowe Article Source: www.iSnare.com Permanent Link: http://www.isnare.com/?aid=151646&ca=Parenting Article published on May 17, 2007 at iSnare.com

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Surrender

In a crisis we don’t have time to think; we’re all emotion and instinct. We are totally and absolutely present. This is why we hear so many stories of people thrust into a sudden emergency achieving incredible feats that seem, by normal human standards, impossible. When we are truly present, we are in direct and unfettered contact with our core essence, the source of all power. And when we are in this state, we can do anything.

Some people, in fact, are only ever present when in the throes of an emergency, which explains why those people seem beset by one crisis after another in their lives: to be present. Thankfully, it doesn’t require a crisis to become fully present, but when those sudden tragedies and other unwanted life situations do invariably occur, the way to free yourself of your pain and suffering, and to transmute the undesirable situation into an opportunity to attract a desirable one, is through presence. And in a negative situation, the way to be present is to surrender.

Now let’s pause a moment to examine that word: ‘surrender’. Does it make you think of ‘giving up’? And if it does, what do you think you’re giving up. Too often we take surrender to mean giving up caring about a situation or giving up trying to make things better. But that’s not surrender.

That’s hopelessness and despair; that’s resignation, abandonment of your purpose in life: to actively participate in the joyous manifestation of your desires. That kind of surrender cuts you off from the well-being that is your natural state (or rather, reinforces and perpetuates the illusion that you’re cut off from it). That kind of surrender is just more pain and suffering.

All pain and suffering is resistance to what is. So to relieve your pain and suffering in any given moment, surrender – or give up – your resistance to what you believe is causing it. You do this in two ways:

1. Accept the situation as it is – that is, acknowledge that this is the situation right now, and you can’t change this current moment; you can only change how you respond to it. And in changing how you respond to this moment, you call to you a new and different moment more in line with this changes you’ve made to yourself in this moment.
2. Allow yourself to feel your emotions and you are instantly taken out of your head, out of your thoughts, and into your body, into the present. When you are present to your emotions, allowing yourself to feel them, you are not conscious of the story behind why you supposedly feel that way; you only feel the way you do. And when you are present to your feelings, the process of their transmutation towards your natural state of peace, has already begun.

Accept and allow. From this place of surrender, of accepting the Now as it is, and allowing yourself to feel your feelings, you can consciously, deliberately choose the thoughts that next occupy your mind. Choose ones that feel good and, through the Law of Attraction, evidence to justify those good feelings will crop up everywhere around you.

The way out is through; and the way through is in. Surrender is not giving up; it is giving in. Accept and allow. Accept and allow.